I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
