He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So squirting runs in the family.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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