even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
