I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
