How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
