I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
