i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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