If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
