i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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