Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
