He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
