My cat gives me a boner
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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