There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to have your abortion
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
