My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
