Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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