So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
