you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
