yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
