Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just cropdusted the office
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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