me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
is it fun? or sober?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
