I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
