I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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