There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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