so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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