I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We have started to decorate penises.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
