I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
