her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
