So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
