He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
porn star boner night. come get it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
