You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
