I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
