she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
