You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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