I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
