id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
