My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
