hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
