Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
