Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
