Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
