i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
