I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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