I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
