So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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