it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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