the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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