On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He called his prostate his "boner button".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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