3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
