Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
