I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
